Disease of addiction

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A collection of thoughts consuming my mind. Head hanging low, moving in slow motion while everything was a blur. The screaming, aching pain I couldn’t grasp. Isolated, in an uncomfortable state. Believing this was the end of it all. Then I caught a glimpse of their eyes. I couldn’t live without that touch of happiness. In that moment, I knew I why I was going to stay.

The first step was surrendering and asking God to help me. I remember it like it was yesterday, the long sleepless nights, withdrawling, feeling nauseous and hopeless, having no appetite, profusely sweating the whole bed, incessant shivering along with heart aches. I can honestly say it was hell for me. Being physically and mentally dependent on a substance to function was beyond me. Laying in bed, looking out my window at the trees praying this would end but knowing I never had to go through this again was settling.

A friend had told me “there’s always light at the end of the tunnel “. I kept repeating it for a bit of motivation. I would tell myself to hold on just a little bit longer. I realized that my mentality changed drastically.
   
Over a month later I felt pretty good. The days were going by fast, my body was getting stronger and I finally had energy.  I was attending meetings regularly and I was rebuilding relationships and starting over. I had asked for the Lord’s help in redirecting me. I could feel myself growing to love him again and that our bond was strengthening. It was nice feeling secure.

Now over 824 days later I can say I’m right where I’m supposed to be but with that being said, staying straight is not easy. Revealing yourself with no mind-altering substance is some pretty scary shit. At times do I feel lost and confused? Yes, of course but then I think about how grateful I am to be alive and healthy. I try to turn my negatives into positives. Having the courage to change and start over and to honestly say I love who I am is the biggest accomplishment. I got clean and look where I am now. Starting over was the best thing I have done for myself.

If you’re feeling low and can’t see another day, think twice because your worthy and you are so loved. Also know that you can change anywhere you are and that it begins and ends with your mentality.

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Tonight

Maybe if you just touched me
Maybe if you didn’t go
Maybe things would of been different if you stayed awhile
I love your smile, what you do to me
No one can compare to how you complete me
I’ll hold on because maybe one day we’ll be right
I won’t stop loving you, no not tonight

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